S.O.'s note. Most will find this entry VERY offensive. Some will find it somewhat abusive, and others will find it trashy and without merit. These are the people that I want as my target audience! If you find it abusive, assaultive, offensive then you might very well be a subject that I would want to read and understand this entry
I was sitting around thinking that I offer up some items regarding the 95 to 97% of us that go back to society and remake ourselves into the law abiding citizen's that we once were.
I know, we are deemed forever as lawless offenders, but those of us that are not offending, and have no want to re-offend know that our crimes were one small moment of idiocy that we know shall never repeat itself.
One thing I do not write about or write to more appropriately are the 3.5 to 5% of us that are either re-offending, will re-offend, or have an urge to re-offend again. This is one subject that the greater portion of us do not want to discuss. Either we are afraid that it will be used against us, will be a basis of more legislation, or are afraid to talk about due our collective situations. Well today, I want to at least bend that trend.
For myself, I have grown to understand that what I have done was a terrible act upon someone that I had no reason nor cause to harm. I agree with that, I was wrong in my person, and my treatment of the victim I created. That said, if I am going to proclaim honesty, I must also state that seeing that, I know the gravity of my crime and claim sole responsibility for it. I have no want nor need to attempt to fulfill whatever deviant desire that once held me to do that act upon another.
What needs to be addressed though are the 27500 people that are currently on the registry that are apt to re-offend according to statistics. No matter what your crime is, or was, no matter how you are still playing off the blame for your crime, YOU need to understand that it is wrong to continue to abide by such harmful and dangerous thoughts. You are the keeper of your own existence, you are the only ones that drive yourself to further create victims in this world.
I cannot pretend to understand how or why each person creates their fantasy realm to allow them to justify the creation of more victims. It is beyond my comprehension, however I can tell you that whatever reason that you use is skewed. There is no justification in creating more victims, and there is absolutely no justification in blaming them. No one is pushing you to do anything that is either illegal or immoral.
The ideas within your head are just that, YOUR IDEAS. No matter how you justify it, no one wants to be touched or looked at in any manner that is not under their full and consensual control. The thought that she is flirting is not an automatic agreement to your advances no matter how you think it is portrayed. The idea that she 'wants' it is not conclusive, unless she has quite adamantly stated such. The thought that the children in a picture are performing 'just for you' is in fact a fallacy. These people are all being harmed. That is the only fact in the matter.
All of our cognitive distortions at one time or another have allowed us to over look very visible, and evident signs that what we are, or are attempting to do, against the will of the other person. This is truth, no bullshit, fact. You create a situation in your mind that compounds more harmful thoughts leading to the attack of your victim, the reviewing of child porn, the continued existence of your deviant sexual thoughts. As I am speaking to the approx 27500 persons that will re-offend (statistically), it must be said that you need to immediately seek help.
You have been in the system, in one way or another. You have gone through the classes, paid the fines, done the time and yet, you are still contemplating re-offense as an option of something to do in your life. Speaking as one Sex Offender to another, you are fucked up dude! Seek help. If you are so far involved within yourself to look outwards, then look inwards and save yourself. If you are so far gone NOT to think about a victim that you wish to create, think about what is going to happen to you when you are caught. AND YOU WILL BE CAUGHT. They have your DNA, they have your picture, they have your life on file. Do you not think that they can catch you? If you honestly believe that you are smarter than that system, I have a question... How did you get caught the first time? IF you are so fucking smart, why didn't your smart ass get away with it the first time? It wasn't that the 'bitch' lied, nor was it that 'they' were out to get you. You were caught because you're a fucking idiot!
We all were. How did you think we were caught in the first place? We did something against the law that we knew was wrong, and we got caught from it. Either through our direct admission, or through our victim's outcry the law found us, and punished us for our behavior. It continues to punish us today, after we are off paper, after we have finished our probation. Get it through your head.
No one will 'get away' with it. Until the day you die, if you create another victim, you will always have it hanging over your head until they finally close the lid on you and bury your ass in the hole. So be a fucking man, and own up to your failings. Own up to the fact that you are lying to yourself. Do the right thing and seek help.
I went through 7 years of counseling. Here in Texas, depending on who and where you are sentenced, you can go to treatment for a couple of years, or you will have to go the entire length of time you are under the system. I was in one of those incidents, I had to go for the full period. I am thankful that I did. At year one, I didn't know shit. At year five, I knew it was my fault and at year 7, I was totally aware of the who, what, where, and why I did what I did. I had this full understanding. It was this epiphany moment that I will never forget. I sat in class, talking with everyone of my crime, and how it went down when suddenly I realized the first great mistake. That moment that I began to create my victim.
It wasn't that January evening that she IM'd me asking who I was. It wasn't the moment I went to pick her up after she called. It was the moment, several years prior, when I decided that women were all sluts, and that I would take it whenever I could get it. That was the first moment that I began to create my victim. You see, my crime isn't so much about a desire for a teen-aged female. My desire was for any female. It didn't matter, short, fat, tall, skinny, drunk, sober, cute, or ugly, as long as they had breasts and wanted to screw.. It did not matter. If they were interested, then I was too. I surrounded myself with people that were easy to talk into sex, thus I was 'rewarded' with it when ever I wanted it.
I have had sexual relations with over 250 women. At the time I was doing this, I was proud of the statistic. One to tell the fellas. I was the man. What I avoided thinking about however was the harm I was doing to people in general. The trust that I was causing these people to lose when I slept with them then wouldn't call them back. Or the promises that I was making, that I never intended to fulfill. This was all the beginning of the cycle to my offense.
After this long story, you might be asking 'what in the hell does this have to do with anything?'. It is exactly this, the sexual abuse of someone is not an overnight thing. I actually loved one or two of the women that I had slept with prior to committing my offense, but treated them like all the rest in the end. I know that it is an excuse to say,
"I don't know, I just did it."
"I didn't mean to hurt anyone, I didn't know."
"She gave herself to me, I didn't make her do anything"
and the greatest bullshit statement of them all,
"it is only pictures, there was no victim"
There is always a victim. I victimized almost every person I sexually came in contact with. Even though all but one were quite legal, and even thought of as a status thing in most guy circles. that doesn't make it right. It only means that legally, I have one true victim. but look at the people I left behind...
I may have gotten off track a bit, but I hope what I have put up here helps someone. I hope that one person reads this, abandons their want to re-offend. I hope that person seeks treatment and learns as most of the rest of us have learned that it is a harmful thing to allow the lies.
If you are an offender who is having a crisis contact a treatment group NOW. I cannot speak for all of them, but the one that I have gone to, and continue to go back to from time to time will immediately talk with you and try to get you away from creating that victim.
I was sitting around thinking that I offer up some items regarding the 95 to 97% of us that go back to society and remake ourselves into the law abiding citizen's that we once were.
I know, we are deemed forever as lawless offenders, but those of us that are not offending, and have no want to re-offend know that our crimes were one small moment of idiocy that we know shall never repeat itself.
One thing I do not write about or write to more appropriately are the 3.5 to 5% of us that are either re-offending, will re-offend, or have an urge to re-offend again. This is one subject that the greater portion of us do not want to discuss. Either we are afraid that it will be used against us, will be a basis of more legislation, or are afraid to talk about due our collective situations. Well today, I want to at least bend that trend.
For myself, I have grown to understand that what I have done was a terrible act upon someone that I had no reason nor cause to harm. I agree with that, I was wrong in my person, and my treatment of the victim I created. That said, if I am going to proclaim honesty, I must also state that seeing that, I know the gravity of my crime and claim sole responsibility for it. I have no want nor need to attempt to fulfill whatever deviant desire that once held me to do that act upon another.
What needs to be addressed though are the 27500 people that are currently on the registry that are apt to re-offend according to statistics. No matter what your crime is, or was, no matter how you are still playing off the blame for your crime, YOU need to understand that it is wrong to continue to abide by such harmful and dangerous thoughts. You are the keeper of your own existence, you are the only ones that drive yourself to further create victims in this world.
I cannot pretend to understand how or why each person creates their fantasy realm to allow them to justify the creation of more victims. It is beyond my comprehension, however I can tell you that whatever reason that you use is skewed. There is no justification in creating more victims, and there is absolutely no justification in blaming them. No one is pushing you to do anything that is either illegal or immoral.
The ideas within your head are just that, YOUR IDEAS. No matter how you justify it, no one wants to be touched or looked at in any manner that is not under their full and consensual control. The thought that she is flirting is not an automatic agreement to your advances no matter how you think it is portrayed. The idea that she 'wants' it is not conclusive, unless she has quite adamantly stated such. The thought that the children in a picture are performing 'just for you' is in fact a fallacy. These people are all being harmed. That is the only fact in the matter.
All of our cognitive distortions at one time or another have allowed us to over look very visible, and evident signs that what we are, or are attempting to do, against the will of the other person. This is truth, no bullshit, fact. You create a situation in your mind that compounds more harmful thoughts leading to the attack of your victim, the reviewing of child porn, the continued existence of your deviant sexual thoughts. As I am speaking to the approx 27500 persons that will re-offend (statistically), it must be said that you need to immediately seek help.
You have been in the system, in one way or another. You have gone through the classes, paid the fines, done the time and yet, you are still contemplating re-offense as an option of something to do in your life. Speaking as one Sex Offender to another, you are fucked up dude! Seek help. If you are so far involved within yourself to look outwards, then look inwards and save yourself. If you are so far gone NOT to think about a victim that you wish to create, think about what is going to happen to you when you are caught. AND YOU WILL BE CAUGHT. They have your DNA, they have your picture, they have your life on file. Do you not think that they can catch you? If you honestly believe that you are smarter than that system, I have a question... How did you get caught the first time? IF you are so fucking smart, why didn't your smart ass get away with it the first time? It wasn't that the 'bitch' lied, nor was it that 'they' were out to get you. You were caught because you're a fucking idiot!
We all were. How did you think we were caught in the first place? We did something against the law that we knew was wrong, and we got caught from it. Either through our direct admission, or through our victim's outcry the law found us, and punished us for our behavior. It continues to punish us today, after we are off paper, after we have finished our probation. Get it through your head.
No one will 'get away' with it. Until the day you die, if you create another victim, you will always have it hanging over your head until they finally close the lid on you and bury your ass in the hole. So be a fucking man, and own up to your failings. Own up to the fact that you are lying to yourself. Do the right thing and seek help.
I went through 7 years of counseling. Here in Texas, depending on who and where you are sentenced, you can go to treatment for a couple of years, or you will have to go the entire length of time you are under the system. I was in one of those incidents, I had to go for the full period. I am thankful that I did. At year one, I didn't know shit. At year five, I knew it was my fault and at year 7, I was totally aware of the who, what, where, and why I did what I did. I had this full understanding. It was this epiphany moment that I will never forget. I sat in class, talking with everyone of my crime, and how it went down when suddenly I realized the first great mistake. That moment that I began to create my victim.
It wasn't that January evening that she IM'd me asking who I was. It wasn't the moment I went to pick her up after she called. It was the moment, several years prior, when I decided that women were all sluts, and that I would take it whenever I could get it. That was the first moment that I began to create my victim. You see, my crime isn't so much about a desire for a teen-aged female. My desire was for any female. It didn't matter, short, fat, tall, skinny, drunk, sober, cute, or ugly, as long as they had breasts and wanted to screw.. It did not matter. If they were interested, then I was too. I surrounded myself with people that were easy to talk into sex, thus I was 'rewarded' with it when ever I wanted it.
I have had sexual relations with over 250 women. At the time I was doing this, I was proud of the statistic. One to tell the fellas. I was the man. What I avoided thinking about however was the harm I was doing to people in general. The trust that I was causing these people to lose when I slept with them then wouldn't call them back. Or the promises that I was making, that I never intended to fulfill. This was all the beginning of the cycle to my offense.
After this long story, you might be asking 'what in the hell does this have to do with anything?'. It is exactly this, the sexual abuse of someone is not an overnight thing. I actually loved one or two of the women that I had slept with prior to committing my offense, but treated them like all the rest in the end. I know that it is an excuse to say,
"I don't know, I just did it."
"I didn't mean to hurt anyone, I didn't know."
"She gave herself to me, I didn't make her do anything"
and the greatest bullshit statement of them all,
"it is only pictures, there was no victim"
There is always a victim. I victimized almost every person I sexually came in contact with. Even though all but one were quite legal, and even thought of as a status thing in most guy circles. that doesn't make it right. It only means that legally, I have one true victim. but look at the people I left behind...
I may have gotten off track a bit, but I hope what I have put up here helps someone. I hope that one person reads this, abandons their want to re-offend. I hope that person seeks treatment and learns as most of the rest of us have learned that it is a harmful thing to allow the lies.
If you are an offender who is having a crisis contact a treatment group NOW. I cannot speak for all of them, but the one that I have gone to, and continue to go back to from time to time will immediately talk with you and try to get you away from creating that victim.
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